little blue

j and s were gone the other night, visiting j's beloved grammy! i really enjoyed the quiet time, just me and c. we walked, did laundry, watched grey's, ate dairy queen, got a lot of favorite things in. things that are easier done with one than two. we also had a photoshoot. being the mama means not always being in the pictures. so i got a few of me and my babe.

     

 (couldn't you just make out with those lips?)

be set free

i have anxiety.

i mean, everyone feels anxious at times, but mine develops into a physical feeling i can't shake. when i was younger, i thought it was asthma. can't breath? must be asthma. makes sense.

it feels like something is sitting on top of my lungs, not allowing them to fill entirely with air. my breaths aren't satisfying, aren't complete. i refer to it as the elephant; the elephant that sometimes lives on my chest.

all this to say - the elephant is back and he's gained some weight.

knowing the reason for his arrival doesn't change a thing. just because i know what is making me feel anxious doesn't make it go away. i can't calm myself out of it. deep breaths don't help.

he may be here for awhile.

love story

most stories go somewhat like this: boy meets girl. boy and girl fall in love. boy and girl get married and make lots of babies.

ours is a little different...

s & l meet. at young life camp. s & l fall in love. shit happens and they break up.

(i don't have any pictures from this time in our life. i deleted them in anger. big mistake.)

l is lost, lonely, and depressed at purdue. gets pregnant senior year.

l has j. 8 lbs. 10 oz. a perfect baby.

(so i tried to nurse one day. that did not go over so well.)

l and j plan to take on the world. and screw anyone who tries to stop them.

 (august 2007)

 (june 2008)


s & l reunite. realize they've been best friends all along. a perfect match.
s meets j. realize they were made for eachother. two peas in a pod.

s & l get married. in the most perfect ceremony on the most perfect day ever. followed by a celebratory meal at buffalo wild wings.

 (september 2009)

s adopts j. all three of j's names change. l gets pregnant again (this time, planned).

(don't mind the picture - dealing with some serious contractions here.)


c was born. 9 lbs. 4 oz. holy cow.

(february 2011)

and life was perfect. our family was complete. 

totally not the end....

break me out

i've been debating starting a blog for awhile. not that i think i have anything worthwhile to say, but it might be a way for me to process my thoughts and share our lives with loved ones. one reason i've been so hesitant is i've worried about how to be honest, share myself, my heart, all the while not knowing who's reading the blog and whether or not i really want to share those things with everyone. well, i've decided to jump in, not censor myself, be as transparent as possible, regardless of who is reading.

so to start off, i'm coming clean. making my confessions up front. 

i enjoy a good curse word every now and then. (even the occasional cigarette. gasp!) i'm not a perfect mom - i sometimes choose staying busy over spending quality time with the kids. i'm certainly not a perfect wife, either. (ask s.) our house is embarrassingly dirty. (don't ask my mom.) my kids have baths about once a week, on a good week. i chose to not nurse either of my babies and i don't regret it. i nap at least once a weekend. i never finished j's baby scrapbook. but i love my family fiercely and we have a crazy awesome life.