it's your life

i've started reading don't waste your life by john piper. between that and coming across THIS blog, i'm feeling antsy and inspired and like a giant loser. what am i doing? working and watching a lot of HGTV. i know we're not all called to these crazy inspiring amazing lives. not all of us will adopt a million babies or start an organization to feed thousands or preach the gospel all over the nation. and i know that is okay. but i feel like i'm not doing much with the life i've been currently called to. it's like the passage in luke: whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much. well what am i doing with my very little? am i loving my neighbors? am i seeing Jesus in the least of these? am i clothing and feeding the poor, orphans and widows?

i'm getting the itch for more. to do more.

still

thank you so much for the prayers, thoughts, and love. prayers have been answered. S's platelets started coming up today so he's most likely coming home tomorrow. though we don't know exactly what caused this, the doctors have ruled out a number of really bad things. they're assuming it was some kind of virus in S's body that caused the attack on his platelets. either way, my baby is coming home and we're moving to indy!!!!!

 (can you believe my toenails are painted? it's a miracle.)

the past few days S and i sat together, read, watched tv, and talked or not talked. and since he was feeling pretty much normal, we enjoyed our time together. it was nice not talking plans and kids. but just sitting and being.

during the past three days while S and i were sitting around doing nothing, our parents and my sister were working their tails off to finish up the packing and cleaning and watching the boys so i could be with S. due to all their hard work, we're planning on leaving friday for indy. just one day behind schedule.

again, thank you for the prayers and concern. we felt it all.

keep it together

so it started at my mom's saturday afternoon when my mom's husband noticed a large bruise on S's leg. the next day we found two more on his stomach and back. later that night, more bruises all over his arms with popped blood vessels all over his body. at the advice of our smarty pants doctor friend, S went to the emergency room late last night. i met him there around 3 this morning. come to find out he has no platelets. not one to be found. he was admitted to the hospital around 6 am.

they are doing a number of tests to rule out a number of things. they started him on a steroid treatment and we're praying to God that does the trick to get his platelets back up. we will know more tomorrow as the test results start coming back. we do know that even with best case scenario, S will be there for a couple of days.

S is doing well, besides for being exhausted and having been poked all day. he's badly bruised. and tired. C went home with grandma and auntie cj. J is spending the night with grammy and pawpaw. and though i miss all three boys like crazy, i'm glad for the calm after this crazy day. and after 2 hours of sleep the past 36 hours, i'm ready for some rest.

thursday was supposed to be moving day. that is no longer the plan. there is no plan.

praise God for health insurance. praise God that i'm not currently working. praise God for family and friends who loved us hard today. praise God that S feels as well as he does.

goodbye girl

today i got flowers from one of my clients. his name is nick. he's young, kind of a punk, and the worst driver of a power chair that i have ever seen. what makes these flowers so incredible is that nick lives in a residential facility. so after nick went home from work yesterday, he must have told one of his staff i was leaving and regardless of who suggested it, he went to the garden and picked out some flowers for me (not by himself of course). he gave me the biggest gap-toothed smile today when giving me the flowers in a cute little vase and my heart nearly burst.

i think i've been so busy looking forward, planning, taking care of details, worrying about life on the other side of the move, that i haven't spent any time actually thinking about leaving and how sad that will be. my mom is here. two of my very best friends. families in homewood we have grown to love and who have endlessly loved on our babies. people who have played an incredible role in this time in our lives, just starting life as a family. clients who have made me laugh. our little crappy old apartment, but our first home together. there's a lot to miss.


tomorrow is my last day at elim. let the goodbyes begin...

another white dash

we're moving. and i'm not really sure how to begin talking about it. mainly because all i can see right now is the huge to-do-list i have for the next week and a half.

we're THRILLED. we love indianapolis (oh yeah, we're moving to indy). it's adorable and small and accessible and affordable. you can park on the street for quarters (free on sundays!). you don't have to wait in line at a restaurant for more than 15 minutes. and the houses! we can actually afford to buy a house for cheaper than we rent here. we'll also be closer to steve's family, which will be nice. and it's less than three hours from chicago, so still able to visit my family a lot.

we actually haven't been talking about moving for that long. maybe since april. truthfully, i always knew we'd up in indy at some point, but i thought we'd make a couple stops before settling down there. i guess we kind of feel like chicago was a necessary step for us. we were here to get married, adopt j, pay off some debt, start our life together, have c. but now it's time to dig some roots. build a home for our little family. invest in a city and community. and we've chosen to do that in indy.

we leave in less than two weeks. like i said, there's a lot to do. but there's something awesome about being a young family taking on a big adventure.

little wonders

i have things to blog about, big things, but not until sharing j's fourth birthday. i wish i was the kind of mom who could plan some elaborate party, invite all the neighbors, buy the perfect present, and make it magical for him. but let's be real - i work full time and we have a limited budget. so we did the best we could to make it the best day ever.

for j that meant opening presents at 7 am (he got a tshirt and a book wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper), then going to dunkin donuts in our pjs to pick out the perfect donut.

 a captain america donut - what are the chances??

then we hurried out the door to go to grandma's. j knew we were going to grandma's, but he didn't know why. we dropped off c with my sister and headed to see Cars 2 (thanks to state farm insurance). j was thrilled. we got popcorn (which i proceeded to dump all over the theater floor) and j picked out some candy. j's favorite thing about the movie? the racing. duh.

then we were off to j's favorite restaurant in the whole wide world - mcdonald's. my sister, nephew, and c all met us there to eat and play.

we went to grandma's for the rest of the afternoon. napped. sang happy birthday. played outside. and finished off the night with pizza with our dearest friends. a pretty good day to turn four.

 

his new captain america tshirt.

 

jack, you make the world a better place and me a better person. love you a billion.

i'll stand by you

what happened four years ago tonight is almost as important as what happened four years ago tomorrow. almost.

the night before i was induced into labor with j, we had a party. a birth party. my sister was there, my mom, my best friend, and a lot of the people who loved me throughout my pregnancy (before and after my pregnancy, as well.) we ate, they drank, and cheersed to a baby we loved, but didn't know. my friends loved me well. and they loved j, too. you know how they say you can learn to love something by watching someone else love it? that's what my friends did for me and j during our first year of life together. i loved him better because i saw them love him. not to say i didn't love j, because i did. i thought he was perfect. but they helped me love him better. differently than i would have if they hadn't been in our lives.

haha.

cheers, baby j!

 

 this is what we envisioned j to look like in the womb.

my mom and sister. they were hungover as they drove me to the hospital the next morning.

 i slept with my sister and bff that night. i debated between jack and jackson. i went with jackson, which i regretted, but later got to a chance to change. a story for another time...

i love knowing there were people celebrating j before he even arrived.  people who couldn't wait to meet him. it makes being a scared, pregnant, 22 year old with no job or husband a little easier.

restless ones

i hate being alone. alone in my house, alone in bed. i hate it. yesterday and today the boys have been gone. all three of them. sure, it's a nice break, i get to do what i want and watch what i want and eat what i want. but i actually hate it. i miss them. 

in an effort to not feel so alone, i usually fill up my time. i'll go to my mom's, spend time with friends, etc. so yesterday after work i went shopping. until about 7:30 when i came home with qdoba. i pretty much ate, straightened up, got ready for the next day and went to bed. i'd been so quick to fill up my time that i wasn't actually able to enjoy it.

so today i vowed to enjoy. i went for a run. a pathetic run at that, but i did it. and now i'm enjoying the quiet. and by quiet, i mean mumford & sons pandora blaring while i organize j's room and throw out a bunch of toys. (no seriously, i'm getting rid of a bunch of stuff. something i could never do with him home.) i'm going to eat frozen pizza and watch grey's anatomy. all night long. i'm going to take advantage and enjoy. with equal parts productive and still. maybe i'll end up actually not being so afraid of time alone.

the man he didn't have to be

when i was pregnant with c, people would ask s how he felt becoming a dad. ask if he felt different. if he worried about connecting with the new baby more than j. how naive.

no one seems to understand the relationship s and j have. they really were made for each other. they have a relationship j and i never will. one of forts, mariokart, questions about life, and lots of wrestling. they just get each other. j never missed a step when s came into our lives. and for s, it was a non-issue. never something we had discuss or work through. we were a family. that was it.

steven, we love you. and i know i joke all the time about how we were fine without you and you aren't our savior and we don't need you. but we weren't fine without you and we do need you. we would be so sad and lonely without you. thanks for being our hero.

dad, i miss seeing you and wish we lived closer. memories of the lake are my favorite. boating, learning to ski, having friends there, morning motorcycle rides to get fireworks, drinking coffee on the balcony. i've always felt closest to you at the lake. we felt like a team. and you've been the best boss i ever had. i loved working for you. i loved watching you work. i am so proud. we're looking forward to seeing you sunday. happy father's day.

ron, we are so thankful for you. thank you for loving my babies. and more importantly, loving my mom. she's happy. almost annoyingly happy. we're thankful she has you. we're thankful we have you, too.

bjc, you're the best. i know without a doubt steve learned how to love from you - without hesitation or reservation. you're the best pawpaw i could have ever prayed for my kids to have. and a pretty good father-in-law, too. you're patient and fun. i know you've created memories with jack that he will never forget.

happy father's day to the incredible men in my life. we're so blessed.

amazing grace

had a pretty cool conversation with j tonight. the kid really blows me away sometimes.

j - mommy, did you know that bad people take you away if they don't like you?

l - who told you that?

j - remember that book you read me about Jesus and all the people were saying "hosanna! hosanna! hosanna!" and then the bad people came and took Jesus away because they didn't like him?

we talked about the cross and the rain. his death. the marys. the empty tomb. how Jesus died, but he didn't stay dead. he became alive and saved the world. so we don't need to worry about the bad guys, because Jesus already won.

j - but bad guys are really good fighters.

l - they are, but Jesus is a better fighter.

j - how do you know?

l - because i know Him.

oh Lord, to have more conversations like this with him.

living in america

here's a scene that played out at the starbucks on mass ave. over the weekend:

sweet barista - hi, how are you?

l - hi. i'll have a grande, non-fat, no whip, peppermint mocha.

sweet barista - how are you?

that cute little barista called me out. for being rude, for being short, for not answering her question. i felt so bad. was i one of those people who didn't see the real person, in too big of a hurry to get my coffee that i couldn't make small talk? i thought about it for nearly an hour after we left.

fast forward a few days. i tell s i'm gonna sit down and try to write a post. he asks about what.

l - well sunday at starbucks...

s - that barista? she was so rude!

i had no idea s had even caught the exchange, much less given it a thought. he had an entirely different take than i had. he said i didn't have to tell her how i was doing, it was none of her business how i was doing. it was her job to get my coffee and offer me great customer service. i was nice to her. yes, i should have answered the question, but she tried to make me feel bad. she judged me. she was the rude one.

i laughed and didn't feel so bad. and i appreciated my husband for always having a different perspective.

 

i hate blogging.

little blue

j and s were gone the other night, visiting j's beloved grammy! i really enjoyed the quiet time, just me and c. we walked, did laundry, watched grey's, ate dairy queen, got a lot of favorite things in. things that are easier done with one than two. we also had a photoshoot. being the mama means not always being in the pictures. so i got a few of me and my babe.

     

 (couldn't you just make out with those lips?)

be set free

i have anxiety.

i mean, everyone feels anxious at times, but mine develops into a physical feeling i can't shake. when i was younger, i thought it was asthma. can't breath? must be asthma. makes sense.

it feels like something is sitting on top of my lungs, not allowing them to fill entirely with air. my breaths aren't satisfying, aren't complete. i refer to it as the elephant; the elephant that sometimes lives on my chest.

all this to say - the elephant is back and he's gained some weight.

knowing the reason for his arrival doesn't change a thing. just because i know what is making me feel anxious doesn't make it go away. i can't calm myself out of it. deep breaths don't help.

he may be here for awhile.

love story

most stories go somewhat like this: boy meets girl. boy and girl fall in love. boy and girl get married and make lots of babies.

ours is a little different...

s & l meet. at young life camp. s & l fall in love. shit happens and they break up.

(i don't have any pictures from this time in our life. i deleted them in anger. big mistake.)

l is lost, lonely, and depressed at purdue. gets pregnant senior year.

l has j. 8 lbs. 10 oz. a perfect baby.

(so i tried to nurse one day. that did not go over so well.)

l and j plan to take on the world. and screw anyone who tries to stop them.

 (august 2007)

 (june 2008)


s & l reunite. realize they've been best friends all along. a perfect match.
s meets j. realize they were made for eachother. two peas in a pod.

s & l get married. in the most perfect ceremony on the most perfect day ever. followed by a celebratory meal at buffalo wild wings.

 (september 2009)

s adopts j. all three of j's names change. l gets pregnant again (this time, planned).

(don't mind the picture - dealing with some serious contractions here.)


c was born. 9 lbs. 4 oz. holy cow.

(february 2011)

and life was perfect. our family was complete. 

totally not the end....

break me out

i've been debating starting a blog for awhile. not that i think i have anything worthwhile to say, but it might be a way for me to process my thoughts and share our lives with loved ones. one reason i've been so hesitant is i've worried about how to be honest, share myself, my heart, all the while not knowing who's reading the blog and whether or not i really want to share those things with everyone. well, i've decided to jump in, not censor myself, be as transparent as possible, regardless of who is reading.

so to start off, i'm coming clean. making my confessions up front. 

i enjoy a good curse word every now and then. (even the occasional cigarette. gasp!) i'm not a perfect mom - i sometimes choose staying busy over spending quality time with the kids. i'm certainly not a perfect wife, either. (ask s.) our house is embarrassingly dirty. (don't ask my mom.) my kids have baths about once a week, on a good week. i chose to not nurse either of my babies and i don't regret it. i nap at least once a weekend. i never finished j's baby scrapbook. but i love my family fiercely and we have a crazy awesome life.