be set free

i have anxiety.

i mean, everyone feels anxious at times, but mine develops into a physical feeling i can't shake. when i was younger, i thought it was asthma. can't breath? must be asthma. makes sense.

it feels like something is sitting on top of my lungs, not allowing them to fill entirely with air. my breaths aren't satisfying, aren't complete. i refer to it as the elephant; the elephant that sometimes lives on my chest.

all this to say - the elephant is back and he's gained some weight.

knowing the reason for his arrival doesn't change a thing. just because i know what is making me feel anxious doesn't make it go away. i can't calm myself out of it. deep breaths don't help.

he may be here for awhile.