little wonders

i have things to blog about, big things, but not until sharing j's fourth birthday. i wish i was the kind of mom who could plan some elaborate party, invite all the neighbors, buy the perfect present, and make it magical for him. but let's be real - i work full time and we have a limited budget. so we did the best we could to make it the best day ever.

for j that meant opening presents at 7 am (he got a tshirt and a book wrapped in Christmas wrapping paper), then going to dunkin donuts in our pjs to pick out the perfect donut.

 a captain america donut - what are the chances??

then we hurried out the door to go to grandma's. j knew we were going to grandma's, but he didn't know why. we dropped off c with my sister and headed to see Cars 2 (thanks to state farm insurance). j was thrilled. we got popcorn (which i proceeded to dump all over the theater floor) and j picked out some candy. j's favorite thing about the movie? the racing. duh.

then we were off to j's favorite restaurant in the whole wide world - mcdonald's. my sister, nephew, and c all met us there to eat and play.

we went to grandma's for the rest of the afternoon. napped. sang happy birthday. played outside. and finished off the night with pizza with our dearest friends. a pretty good day to turn four.

 

his new captain america tshirt.

 

jack, you make the world a better place and me a better person. love you a billion.

i'll stand by you

what happened four years ago tonight is almost as important as what happened four years ago tomorrow. almost.

the night before i was induced into labor with j, we had a party. a birth party. my sister was there, my mom, my best friend, and a lot of the people who loved me throughout my pregnancy (before and after my pregnancy, as well.) we ate, they drank, and cheersed to a baby we loved, but didn't know. my friends loved me well. and they loved j, too. you know how they say you can learn to love something by watching someone else love it? that's what my friends did for me and j during our first year of life together. i loved him better because i saw them love him. not to say i didn't love j, because i did. i thought he was perfect. but they helped me love him better. differently than i would have if they hadn't been in our lives.

haha.

cheers, baby j!

 

 this is what we envisioned j to look like in the womb.

my mom and sister. they were hungover as they drove me to the hospital the next morning.

 i slept with my sister and bff that night. i debated between jack and jackson. i went with jackson, which i regretted, but later got to a chance to change. a story for another time...

i love knowing there were people celebrating j before he even arrived.  people who couldn't wait to meet him. it makes being a scared, pregnant, 22 year old with no job or husband a little easier.

restless ones

i hate being alone. alone in my house, alone in bed. i hate it. yesterday and today the boys have been gone. all three of them. sure, it's a nice break, i get to do what i want and watch what i want and eat what i want. but i actually hate it. i miss them. 

in an effort to not feel so alone, i usually fill up my time. i'll go to my mom's, spend time with friends, etc. so yesterday after work i went shopping. until about 7:30 when i came home with qdoba. i pretty much ate, straightened up, got ready for the next day and went to bed. i'd been so quick to fill up my time that i wasn't actually able to enjoy it.

so today i vowed to enjoy. i went for a run. a pathetic run at that, but i did it. and now i'm enjoying the quiet. and by quiet, i mean mumford & sons pandora blaring while i organize j's room and throw out a bunch of toys. (no seriously, i'm getting rid of a bunch of stuff. something i could never do with him home.) i'm going to eat frozen pizza and watch grey's anatomy. all night long. i'm going to take advantage and enjoy. with equal parts productive and still. maybe i'll end up actually not being so afraid of time alone.

the man he didn't have to be

when i was pregnant with c, people would ask s how he felt becoming a dad. ask if he felt different. if he worried about connecting with the new baby more than j. how naive.

no one seems to understand the relationship s and j have. they really were made for each other. they have a relationship j and i never will. one of forts, mariokart, questions about life, and lots of wrestling. they just get each other. j never missed a step when s came into our lives. and for s, it was a non-issue. never something we had discuss or work through. we were a family. that was it.

steven, we love you. and i know i joke all the time about how we were fine without you and you aren't our savior and we don't need you. but we weren't fine without you and we do need you. we would be so sad and lonely without you. thanks for being our hero.

dad, i miss seeing you and wish we lived closer. memories of the lake are my favorite. boating, learning to ski, having friends there, morning motorcycle rides to get fireworks, drinking coffee on the balcony. i've always felt closest to you at the lake. we felt like a team. and you've been the best boss i ever had. i loved working for you. i loved watching you work. i am so proud. we're looking forward to seeing you sunday. happy father's day.

ron, we are so thankful for you. thank you for loving my babies. and more importantly, loving my mom. she's happy. almost annoyingly happy. we're thankful she has you. we're thankful we have you, too.

bjc, you're the best. i know without a doubt steve learned how to love from you - without hesitation or reservation. you're the best pawpaw i could have ever prayed for my kids to have. and a pretty good father-in-law, too. you're patient and fun. i know you've created memories with jack that he will never forget.

happy father's day to the incredible men in my life. we're so blessed.

amazing grace

had a pretty cool conversation with j tonight. the kid really blows me away sometimes.

j - mommy, did you know that bad people take you away if they don't like you?

l - who told you that?

j - remember that book you read me about Jesus and all the people were saying "hosanna! hosanna! hosanna!" and then the bad people came and took Jesus away because they didn't like him?

we talked about the cross and the rain. his death. the marys. the empty tomb. how Jesus died, but he didn't stay dead. he became alive and saved the world. so we don't need to worry about the bad guys, because Jesus already won.

j - but bad guys are really good fighters.

l - they are, but Jesus is a better fighter.

j - how do you know?

l - because i know Him.

oh Lord, to have more conversations like this with him.

living in america

here's a scene that played out at the starbucks on mass ave. over the weekend:

sweet barista - hi, how are you?

l - hi. i'll have a grande, non-fat, no whip, peppermint mocha.

sweet barista - how are you?

that cute little barista called me out. for being rude, for being short, for not answering her question. i felt so bad. was i one of those people who didn't see the real person, in too big of a hurry to get my coffee that i couldn't make small talk? i thought about it for nearly an hour after we left.

fast forward a few days. i tell s i'm gonna sit down and try to write a post. he asks about what.

l - well sunday at starbucks...

s - that barista? she was so rude!

i had no idea s had even caught the exchange, much less given it a thought. he had an entirely different take than i had. he said i didn't have to tell her how i was doing, it was none of her business how i was doing. it was her job to get my coffee and offer me great customer service. i was nice to her. yes, i should have answered the question, but she tried to make me feel bad. she judged me. she was the rude one.

i laughed and didn't feel so bad. and i appreciated my husband for always having a different perspective.

 

i hate blogging.