restless ones

i hate being alone. alone in my house, alone in bed. i hate it. yesterday and today the boys have been gone. all three of them. sure, it's a nice break, i get to do what i want and watch what i want and eat what i want. but i actually hate it. i miss them. 

in an effort to not feel so alone, i usually fill up my time. i'll go to my mom's, spend time with friends, etc. so yesterday after work i went shopping. until about 7:30 when i came home with qdoba. i pretty much ate, straightened up, got ready for the next day and went to bed. i'd been so quick to fill up my time that i wasn't actually able to enjoy it.

so today i vowed to enjoy. i went for a run. a pathetic run at that, but i did it. and now i'm enjoying the quiet. and by quiet, i mean mumford & sons pandora blaring while i organize j's room and throw out a bunch of toys. (no seriously, i'm getting rid of a bunch of stuff. something i could never do with him home.) i'm going to eat frozen pizza and watch grey's anatomy. all night long. i'm going to take advantage and enjoy. with equal parts productive and still. maybe i'll end up actually not being so afraid of time alone.

the man he didn't have to be

when i was pregnant with c, people would ask s how he felt becoming a dad. ask if he felt different. if he worried about connecting with the new baby more than j. how naive.

no one seems to understand the relationship s and j have. they really were made for each other. they have a relationship j and i never will. one of forts, mariokart, questions about life, and lots of wrestling. they just get each other. j never missed a step when s came into our lives. and for s, it was a non-issue. never something we had discuss or work through. we were a family. that was it.

steven, we love you. and i know i joke all the time about how we were fine without you and you aren't our savior and we don't need you. but we weren't fine without you and we do need you. we would be so sad and lonely without you. thanks for being our hero.

dad, i miss seeing you and wish we lived closer. memories of the lake are my favorite. boating, learning to ski, having friends there, morning motorcycle rides to get fireworks, drinking coffee on the balcony. i've always felt closest to you at the lake. we felt like a team. and you've been the best boss i ever had. i loved working for you. i loved watching you work. i am so proud. we're looking forward to seeing you sunday. happy father's day.

ron, we are so thankful for you. thank you for loving my babies. and more importantly, loving my mom. she's happy. almost annoyingly happy. we're thankful she has you. we're thankful we have you, too.

bjc, you're the best. i know without a doubt steve learned how to love from you - without hesitation or reservation. you're the best pawpaw i could have ever prayed for my kids to have. and a pretty good father-in-law, too. you're patient and fun. i know you've created memories with jack that he will never forget.

happy father's day to the incredible men in my life. we're so blessed.

amazing grace

had a pretty cool conversation with j tonight. the kid really blows me away sometimes.

j - mommy, did you know that bad people take you away if they don't like you?

l - who told you that?

j - remember that book you read me about Jesus and all the people were saying "hosanna! hosanna! hosanna!" and then the bad people came and took Jesus away because they didn't like him?

we talked about the cross and the rain. his death. the marys. the empty tomb. how Jesus died, but he didn't stay dead. he became alive and saved the world. so we don't need to worry about the bad guys, because Jesus already won.

j - but bad guys are really good fighters.

l - they are, but Jesus is a better fighter.

j - how do you know?

l - because i know Him.

oh Lord, to have more conversations like this with him.

living in america

here's a scene that played out at the starbucks on mass ave. over the weekend:

sweet barista - hi, how are you?

l - hi. i'll have a grande, non-fat, no whip, peppermint mocha.

sweet barista - how are you?

that cute little barista called me out. for being rude, for being short, for not answering her question. i felt so bad. was i one of those people who didn't see the real person, in too big of a hurry to get my coffee that i couldn't make small talk? i thought about it for nearly an hour after we left.

fast forward a few days. i tell s i'm gonna sit down and try to write a post. he asks about what.

l - well sunday at starbucks...

s - that barista? she was so rude!

i had no idea s had even caught the exchange, much less given it a thought. he had an entirely different take than i had. he said i didn't have to tell her how i was doing, it was none of her business how i was doing. it was her job to get my coffee and offer me great customer service. i was nice to her. yes, i should have answered the question, but she tried to make me feel bad. she judged me. she was the rude one.

i laughed and didn't feel so bad. and i appreciated my husband for always having a different perspective.

 

i hate blogging.

little blue

j and s were gone the other night, visiting j's beloved grammy! i really enjoyed the quiet time, just me and c. we walked, did laundry, watched grey's, ate dairy queen, got a lot of favorite things in. things that are easier done with one than two. we also had a photoshoot. being the mama means not always being in the pictures. so i got a few of me and my babe.

     

 (couldn't you just make out with those lips?)

be set free

i have anxiety.

i mean, everyone feels anxious at times, but mine develops into a physical feeling i can't shake. when i was younger, i thought it was asthma. can't breath? must be asthma. makes sense.

it feels like something is sitting on top of my lungs, not allowing them to fill entirely with air. my breaths aren't satisfying, aren't complete. i refer to it as the elephant; the elephant that sometimes lives on my chest.

all this to say - the elephant is back and he's gained some weight.

knowing the reason for his arrival doesn't change a thing. just because i know what is making me feel anxious doesn't make it go away. i can't calm myself out of it. deep breaths don't help.

he may be here for awhile.